“If I’m ever made king of golf, here are 10 rules changes I’d make.”

Below, in it’s entirety, is a column by Ron Green Jr, a writer for the Charlotte Observer.  I wish I had written it.  Since I didn’t I have copied it for you below.  Enjoy –

Yell ‘get in the hole’ at your peril

By Ron Green Jr.
rgreenjr@charlotteobserver.com

Posted: Saturday, Jul. 04, 2009

COLUMNISTS »

Ron Green Jr.

Ron Green Jr. writes about golf, football and other sports for The Charlotte Observer.

Blog: The Green Side
E-mail Ron Jr.
704.358.5118

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  This mallard duck is one of the few objects that belong in a water hazard.

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  In this 2001 photo, Charlotte Country Club caddie Alonzo Donaldson cleans up behind a golfer who could have done this himself.

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  After you dig into them, rake the bunkers. Seriously.

Golf is a wonderful game but, let’s be honest, it’s not perfect.

If I’m ever made king of golf, here are 10 rules changes I’d make:

1. It’s golf, not sightseeing.

Greens fees will be directly related to your pace of play. A round of golf should take no more than 3 hours, 45 minutes. They do it in Scotland and Ireland – without carts.

Dawdle, take too many practice swings, wait until it’s your turn to play before checking the yardage and picking a club? You’re going to pay for it. Greens fees go up every 15 minutes over your allotted “time par.”

Course rangers will determine if you’re being held up by the group in front of you. They’ll have the power to waive your “over time par” fee.

(I know, this would require course rangers to actually do their jobs, something they rarely do now).

2. Front, middle and back.

Courses don’t need six sets of tees. We’re going to have three sets and your handicap – not your sex or your ego – will determine which set you play.

If you can’t break 80 from the middle tees, you sure as heck don’t belong on the tips.

2A. While we’re at it, yardage markers at 100, 150 and 200 yards in the middle of each fairway. That’s all we need. Hours are being wasted looking for sprinkler heads while believing we can hit it precisely 163 yards.

If you’re good enough to play to a specific yardage, buy a rangefinder.

3. No par-3s longer than 200 yards.

No one likes really long par-3 holes, even the pros.

The 12th at Augusta National. The seventh at Pebble Beach. The 10th at Pine Valley. The 17th at the Stadium Course. They’re all great short holes. Take a hint.

(One exception is allowed: the 16th at Cypress Point. It’s 219 yards long and the most fun you’ll ever have making a triple bogey).

4. The out-of-bounds rule.

Back when golf was played in the great wide open, not between McMansions, perhaps the stroke and distance aspect of the out-of-bounds rule was reasonable.

It’s not any more. Make out-of-bounds a lateral hazard. God didn’t put those condos 30 feet off the fairway. Some stupid developer did.

5. Discount the price.

If greens have been aerated within the past 10 days, greens fees should be reduced.

If carts are required to stay on the path, cart fees should be reduced. And if it hasn’t rained in two days, carts should be allowed on the golf course. The grass will survive.

Give people a reason to come back – even if they could really stand to walk.

6. Don’t say it.

Any tournament spectator who yells “get in the hole” or, excuse me while I cringe, “You da man” at a tournament should be immediately removed from the premises for the remainder of the event. As further punishment, they should be forced to watch “Big Hitter” infomercials all day long.

7. Putt ’em out.

If you hit your first putt, or your second one, within 3 feet of the hole, you can’t mark your ball – even if you’re standing in somebody’s line. Knock it in or close enough to knock it away.

Don’t spend all day lining up putts.

And anyone caught plumb-bobbing will be required to wear John Daly pants.

8. Post your scores – good and bad.

Handicaps only work if they’re accurate and that means posting your scores, especially the good ones.

Here’s the rule: If you play 18 holes and don’t post a score, the pro shop or your buddies will do it for you – even par from the tips. No exceptions.

8A. No one getting 10 shots shoots 73.

Remember, handicaps don’t reflect your average score. They’re what you should shoot when you play your best. You should play to your handicap less than 25 percent of the time.

9. Free drops from footprints in bunkers.

Let’s see how good Phil Mickelson is from the sand when he’s playing from the trench left by Walter’s size 13s.

C’mon people, take a second and rake the bunkers.

10. No cars, fountains or signs in water hazards.

The only things allowed in water hazards are whitecaps, algae, Titleists, disobedient putters, ducks, rocks and bass.

And Tiger Woods’ 9-iron Steve Williams dropped in the pond at the K Club three years ago.

Got ideas on how to make golf better? Send them rgreenjr@charlotteobserver.com

Will You Dance With Me?

The economy is obviously tough.  Our list of daily challenges seems to grow.  Today I received this in my email from a long-time friend that I am going to call after I post this.  Take a moment to be reminded of the important things – and have a great day!

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven’t thought about it, don’t have it on their schedule, didn’t know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.  From then on, I’ve tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn’t suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?  Does the word ‘refrigeration’ mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ‘Jeopardy’ on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, ‘How about going to lunch in a half hour? She would gas up and stammer, “I can’t. I have clothes on the line.  My hair is dirty.  I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain” and my personal favorite:  “It’s Monday.” She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.  We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We’ll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.  We’ll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.   We’ll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.  The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.  One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of ‘I’m going to,’ ‘I plan on,’ and ‘Someday, when things are settled down a bit.’

When anyone calls my ‘seize the moment’ friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips.  She keeps an open mind on new ideas.  Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.  You talk with her for five minutes, and you’re ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.  I love ice cream.  It’s just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process  The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now go on and have a nice day.  Do something you WANT to not something on your SHOULD do list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly?  When you ask ‘ How are you?’  Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, ‘We’ll do it tomorrow.’  And in your haste, not see his sorrow?  Ever lost touch?  Let a good friendship die?  Just call to say ‘Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift thrown away.  Life is not a race. Take it slower.  Hear the music before the song is over.

It’s National Friendship Week.  Show your friends how much you care.  Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.  If it comes back to you, then you’ll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to, I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we are here we might as well dance!

We need a little humor

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.  The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.  The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”  Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.  He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.  After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes hi s hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t,” she says.

“I was behind you in McDonald’s.”

How many Dylan fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Q) How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

Q) How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A 1) None. The invisible hand does it.

A 2) None. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again.

A 3) None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter!

Q) How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A 1) Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

A 2) Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

A 3) Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

A 4) Rottweiler: Make me.

A 5) Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

A 6) Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

A 7) German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

A 8 ) Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

A 9) Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

A 10) Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

A 11) Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

A 12) Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

A 13) Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

A 14) New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster…

A 15) Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Q) How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A) None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q) How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A 1) It’s burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

A 2) None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.

A 3) One – but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

A 4) Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q) How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) Seven – two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor’s driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician’s job to screw in light bulbs.

Q) How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A) Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q) How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

And finally, my favorite

A) One.

Q) How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?